Is He My Boyfriend?

January 19, 2022 by Iris Goldsztajn

Do As I Say, Not As I Do is an advice column designed to help you navigate any situation in life that you’re dealing with, and hopefully help others who find themselves in a similar situation. All advice is purely opinion based on my experience, and I am in no capacity a trained professional. If you’re struggling with your mental health, please seek out professional help, and reach out to Samaritans in the UK, or NAMI in the US. To ask me a question, fill out the form here.

Dear Iris,

I am the kind of guy who HATES being single, cannot emphasise this enough. In my first two relationships my friends generally criticised me for going "too fast" (saying "love you" at the end of a phone call was apparently a major pain point for them, even though we had been dating for a couple months by then). My current (and third) relationship however has seemingly the opposite problem: we matched on Tinder in February 2021, and since then (largely due to COVID) we've limited ourselves to video dates and have only seen each other in person three times.

I'm starting to get frustrated with the pace of this relationship. On our third in-person date (several months in), I asked him if I could kiss him and he said he didn't think we were there yet. And while we're both vaxxed and boosted, he's not willing to leave his home now due to Omicron having breakthrough cases. I've taken to calling him my boyfriend just to like... manifest it happening and I don't know how to ask him, "hey, are we boyfriends?" at this point. Am I just being delusional?

-Sixty to Zero

Dear Sixty to Zero,

First of all, I want to say I love that you love love. You should know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, or with wanting to move quickly. There is no such thing as “too fast” if something feels right for you. People will always have their opinions on your decisions — sure, do listen to your friends’ advice AND you can leave room for making up your own mind and going with your heart. It’s not either or.

The problem with that nugget, however, is that right now your heart wants two seemingly contradictory things: to move quickly and to be with your, yes, boyfriend. I don’t have a magic pill for you, nor can I reassure you that everything will work out exactly how you want it to and you’ll ride off into the sunset with this man. All I have for you, my love, is what you don’t want to hear: you. Need. To. Talk to him.

I’m going to tread carefully here. I want to avoid using unhelpful words like “normal,” but it does concern me that your boyfriend refused to kiss you on your third date. That’s not really the kind of behaviour you expect from someone who’s interested in you romantically. It’s not a red flag in itself (few things are!! Enough with the red flag mania already!!!), but something is clearly going on there. It could be as benign as shyness or insecurity, or it could be that he’s just not that into it for whatever reason. Either way, you need to bring this up. Soon! Ask him why he doesn’t think you’re there yet, and if his answer satisfies you, ask when he thinks he will be ready. You have a right to know!

Ditto with the pace of the relationship more generally, as well as labelling what’s going on between the two of you. Your frustration is totally understandable — these things are important to you! They may be less important to him, but this needs to be clearly communicated. You both need to open up, stat, if this relationship is to progress. You need to bring up what’s bothering you and the questions you have for him, and he needs to let you know what his expectations are. If both of these things don’t happen, your connection just can’t grow. It’s that simple.

As for how to start the conversation, there is no one way to approach it. Regarding the setup, it sounds like you don’t have much of a choice: it’ll have to be over video call. You could bring it up casually when it feels natural, or you could hit him with the classic, “can I ask you something?” and make it more of a serious discussion. If you’re nervous, well, first of all, that’s to be expected. Second, there are plenty of articles about how to approach difficult conversations out there — I’ll let you exert your (stellar, I’m sure) Google skills. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter how you bring it up, as long as you do. Rip off that Band-Aid, please, for your own sake.

You are not delusional. You’ve been dating someone you met on a literal dating app for close to a year. At the risk of sounding like a broken record — if he’s not your boyfriend, or doesn’t want to be, that needs to be a conversation, because it is not a given in the slightest. So, no, you’re not delusional, but you are closing yourself off to real connection — whether that’s with him or with someone else. Once again, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship. Just please don’t do it with someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship back. You deserve so much more than that.

Sending you lots of love,

Iris

Was this helpful?

How Do You Decide What to Do With Your Life?

June 04, 2021 by Iris Goldsztajn

Dear Iris,

I'm feeling a little conflicted.

I am currently a graduate student (about to obtain my master's degree) and I don't know where to go from here. I've been accepted to a few Ph.D. programs in my field and I'm somewhat excited about the possibility of continuing my studies, but I'm not sure if that's what I want.

At first, a Ph.D. was something I hesitantly applied for, but once the pandemic hit I sort of resolved myself to continuing my education. I've never loved academia; it's always given me immense anxiety, but I'm more afraid of not finding anything to do post-grad than I am of the anxiety. As I was finalizing my decision to obtain a Ph.D., I set a meeting with my advisor and she told me to really think on this. I don't want an academic job and if a Ph.D. isn't going to help my job prospects, there isn't really a point in going after it. If I had it my way, I would write and do creative things for a living. I know that I love to write and take photos and experiment with different creative mediums and such. I've networked with journalists and freelancers and taken different internships and I love it. And yet, I can't bring myself to fully go after it. I guess I'm scared of what could happen if I do. On the one hand, I'm only 22. I have so much to learn and so little to lose. I don't have a mortgage or debt or kids to take care of. But on the other hand, I'm conflicted about this opportunity to pursue a Ph.D. I don't know what to do. How do you decide what to do with your life? How do you even get started with a creative career? How do you know what the right choice is?

-Kinda Conflicted

Dear Kinda Conflicted,

I’m going to start you off with a quote, because that’s the kind of insufferable person I am. It’s a win-win, though, because it could very well help you reframe your mindset, and it makes me seem incredibly smart and well-read in the same instance. You see? Win-win.

It’s from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic, which explores “creative living beyond fear” and would make great homework for you — though perhaps that’s the wrong approach to offer someone who has “never loved academia.” Anyway, here it is. Gilbert explains that she spent her childhood deathly afraid of everything around her, the dark, board games, stairs, you name it. Then she woke up one day and realised that her fear was actually quite stupid. It was the most boring thing about her.

She writes:

Around the age of fifteen, I somehow figured out that my fear had no variety to it, no depth, no substance, no texture. I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist, or an unexpected ending. My fear was a song with only one note — only one word, actually — and that word was “STOP!” My fear never had anything more interesting or subtle to offer than one emphatic word, repeated at full volume on an endless loop: “STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!”
Which means that my fear always made predictably boring decisions, like a choose-your-own-ending book that always had the same ending: nothingness.

You are 22, Kinda Conflicted. I beg you: don’t let fear govern your life. I know it sounds harsh and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but following your fear will only lead you to nothingness. You might enjoy great success in academia, or whatever else you deem a “safe” option at the time, but that doesn’t change that you’ll wake up in a week, a month, a year, at forty, or fifty, or sixty, and not know who you are. You’ll ask yourself why you made the decisions that you made when you were young, and you’ll attempt to fill the void with distractions, with cynicism, with Tough Mudders, alcohol, Louboutins, a sports car.

Now, I know that my response is late, and you may have already accepted a place on a Ph.D. programme by the time you read this. That’s perfectly OK. It’s not over. You have so many options — don’t let the everyday busy-ness make you think that you don’t. You always have a choice. You can pursue your Ph.D. while making other things happen for yourself as well, things that drive you, in your spare time, while you have no dependents or major other obligations. You can do a year’s worth of research or whatever it is one does to earn a Ph.D. then decide to pivot (PIVOT!) to something completely different. You can drop out now. Whatever happens, don’t believe that you’re stuck, because you’re not. You’re in the driver’s seat (this coming from someone who can’t drive, but I hope you’ll let that slide).

You say you’re more afraid of not finding something to do post-grad than you are of anxiety. Do you hear how that sounds, repeated back to you? It sounds like you’re putting money and security above your wellbeing — from where I stand, that’s a recipe for disaster. I don’t know your circumstances, and obviously making a living is a huge consideration. I will venture this, though: doctorates are expensive, aren’t they? Perhaps you’ll be paid for research work, but I will still assume that if you’re able to go to school for that long, you have some amount of financial backing behind you. You also don’t have debt, a mortgage or kids.

My question to you then is this: what would happen if for a few months you weren’t earning at all (which, for all I know, you might not be during your studies anyway)? Could you stay with family during that time? On a friend’s couch? Could you get a service job and a cheap bedroom somewhere? If your answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then why do something you don’t love? It’s not like you’ve chosen an easy path that you don’t love, either — by my understanding, doctorates require a hell of a lot of work and motivation, and I don’t think you earn that much as a professor or researcher, either. You did mention you might be a bit excited to continue your studies, so if on reflection, that path feels right for you, then by all means. Just make sure to follow the excitement, not the fear. Obviously, career prospects seem like a central preoccupation for you, so if you don’t enjoy the Ph.D. work and you don’t want a job in academia, then why waste these precious years of your life? As your advisor said, you need to really think on this. And continue thinking on it, forever. Every morning, ask yourself honestly: am I on the best path for me?

If you decide that continuing your studies is the wrong path for you, and you can afford to not earn while you figure everything out for a bit, I want to encourage you to let go of your fear and pursue what is actually for you. I do want to repeat, however, that you can pursue these things on the side even if you do carry on with school. Because what does “if I had my way” mean, Kinda Conflicted? You do have your way. You have the choice to do the work it takes to write and do creative things for a living. The only thing stopping you is fear, and the only way to neutralise fear is to do the thing you’re afraid to do (*cough* like getting your driver’s license *cough*).

Start small. Carve out an hour a day to use your creativity without fear. See where it leads, explore it, trust in it. You can try writing Morning Pages as a way to unblock your creativity, or carry a camera around with you in case you spot something that sparks inspiration. You can pitch one article to one editor — it doesn’t have to be a full-time job, but every little thing you do adds up and could turn into a full-time job, if that’s what you want. If you’re not sure how to go about pitching, please email me at irisgoldsztajn@gmail.com and I’ll send over some slides I made that cover the basics.

Do some soul-searching. What are you really afraid of? Is it rejection? Failure? Then let me tell you right now: when you pursue your passions, you will encounter more than your fair share of those things. They will hurt and will do their best to knock you down, but you just have to keep trying every. damn. time. It’s the old cliché of The Beatles being rejected by a major record label, and a flurry of household names not making it until later in life. There is no success without rejection and failure. It’s what you do with those experiences that matters. Some more homework for you: this TED talk and this podcast.

As for how you know what the right choice is for your life: GIRLIE, you don’t. Something might work for you one day, and stop working the next. Your dream job might not be such a dream after all. Here’s the thing, though, you won’t know until you try. And you always have options. That’s all you need to know right now.

-Iris

Was this helpful?

What If I'm Not Good Enough?

September 07, 2020 by Iris Goldsztajn in Career, Purpose

After years of being lost, I settled on studying public relations. I like the field but my real passion has always been magazines. This passion has evolved to online lifestyle/women's media.

I often look at writers like you and wish I could do the same. It would be amazing to write for a living but it scares me. What if people hate what I write? What if I struggle with writing on a regular basis? What if I'm just not good enough?

I wish I could enjoy it, but even the thought of writing makes me nervous. I think I chose PR because it was a safe choice. I know journalism is a troubled field but there's a part of me that still yearns to be published. How do I get over this nervousness? How can I improve my writing? Do you have any career insight for me?

-Wannabe Writer

Dear Wannabe Writer,

I’m going to start off with a very trite truism that is good to think about: you are already a writer. You wrote this question, didn’t you? And even if you hadn’t, just the desire to write makes you a writer. Not everyone has it! You do. Every good PR person has to be able to write well, anyway. What you do (or are going to do, if you’re still a student) is a lot harder than what I do — you have to write so damn well that you convince people to do you favours, to buy into products and services they’ve never had a use for before. So, in the first place, be proud of yourself, even if this is not where you imagined you’d be at this stage of your life.

Wannabe Writer, I laughed when I read your question because here’s the secret: I have all the same fears and doubts you do. I ask myself all the same questions damn near every day of my life, and I have yet to meet a writer who doesn’t. Don’t idealise me, because most of the time I am convinced that I can’t write to save my life, that I have never done, and will never do, anything of value in this world. Not that it’s a fair comparison, but Sophie Kinsella has the same fears. Maya Angelou. Shakespeare. Honestly, Anna Wintour probably wonders how she got to where she is every time she steps through the doors of One World Trade Center.

Writing can be incredibly rewarding, but there are two big obstacles that stand in every writer’s way: fear and work. Fear is very easy and not doing the work is very easy. So if you have the impulse to write, you have no choice but to do it. Start right now. Write down last night’s dream. Nonsense words. An album review. A cherished memory. A seething indictment of cow’s milk, or Sharpies, or Ellen. You can either write or not write, so push aside the fear, be prepared to put in the work, and do it. Important: it doesn’t matter if what you write is bad. All that matters is that you do it. Seriously. More on that here.

Part of what’s blocking you right now is that you’re thinking too big, and looking too far ahead. You don’t have to write for a living. You can write one article a year, or a page in your journal. You have to start somewhere! Then as you explore your writing and better understand what you’re trying to say, you can scale up and eventually write for a living. If writing is your passion, you can’t think of it as a job first. You have to think about what you’re trying to express, what motivates you.

Journalism may be a troubled field, but if it’s what you want to do, you can’t let that stop you. It’s reinventing itself, but it’s not dying. If you want a full-time job, you’re going to need writing samples to apply with in the first place, so again, don’t think too far ahead career-wise either. Step by step. Your other option is to freelance, which you can do on the side while in your current or future job or do full-time once you build up the confidence to do so. I have to warn you, though: pitching editors is never not the most terrifying thing in the world. I get rejected on a quasi-daily basis and I’m still not used to it, but you can’t get published if you don’t try. You have to try. You owe it to yourself. Here’s a great TED talk on that.

On a more practical note, many freelancers, including myself, take on copywriting work for brands in order to make a living. It’s less creative, but it pays better and is less high stakes in terms of putting yourself out there. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions about what copywriting entails and how to get work.

How people are going to receive your writing is a big fear to get past, but it also shouldn’t be your priority. In On Writing, which you should read, Stephen King says, “write with the door closed, rewrite with the door open” — i.e. write what you need to write first, then think about whether your readers will be able to connect with it. You asked me what happens if people hate what you write. That’s the wrong question! Write something. Do you like it? That’s all that matters right now. You can worry about what others think later. If you get published, don’t read the Facebook comments. Ask your best friend what she thinks instead. And remember that all things worth doing will attract criticism one way or another.

What if you struggle with writing on a regular basis? All writers do, but isn’t it better to write something today, then again in a year, than to not write at all because you’re worried about not making it a habit? Again, my advice to you is: do it now. You’re coming up with excuses not to write that don’t hold up to scrutiny. If you start writing and you feel you really need to make it a weekly or daily habit, there are plenty of productivity tools and writing communities (see here and here) to help keep you accountable. But that’s a then problem, not a now problem. Chances are that when you start writing, you’ll naturally want to keep doing it. It’s a muscle like any other; it needs training.

We all think we’re not good enough, but unfortunately that’s not a valid excuse not to do something either. First of all, you probably are. Second of all, if you aren’t, which is subjective anyway, you’ll get better the more you do it. Third, you can take writing classes, you can read more, you can watch YouTube videos on writing, listen to podcasts (I love Write Now With Sarah Werner), read interviews with writers you admire. Nothing is stagnant; if you don’t think you’re good enough now, it doesn’t mean you never will be. But you certainly won’t get better if you don’t sit down and write. So write.

That’s my advice to you. How do you get over this nervousness? You write. How do you improve your writing? You write. Thank you so much for coming to me for answers, but I think you probably know that that was another way of deferring what you really need to do. Because yes, writing is hard, and scary, and a lot of the time it feels like it’s not worth it at all, but have you ever read an article or a book that moved you to tears? That changed your life? That you were so grateful had been written? That’s why we do it. The world needs your voice. Please add it to the chorus.

If you have any more questions or need help with anything and you don’t mind revealing your identity, email me or DM me on Insta. Otherwise, submit another question here if you can bear my ramblings. I’m here and I’m always happy to help. I have some writing to defer, too.

-Iris

Was this helpful?

Is This The Handbag For Me?

March 02, 2020 by Iris Goldsztajn in Fashion, Lifestyle

Hi Iris! This is a less serious question but still something I'd love your thoughts on. I noticed you have the Gucci GG Marmont bag (stunner!!). What do you like about the bag? I'm debating making an investment in a nice bag but of course it's so hard to decide, when ideally you'll have it forever haha. How did you choose this silhouette? Do you find the flap inconvenient or bulky at all? I'm used to a zip closure or like hobo style bag, which I like because it feels secure and less vulnerable to pick pocketing. However, I think the Marmont bag visually looks gorgeous! Is yours the small size, and does it fit everything you need? Also, I'm not really a showy person, so is that a factor in choosing an it-bag? Any other tips for how to choose the right (expensive!) purse without regrets would be appreciated. Thank youuu

-L

Hey L!

Thanks for your question — happy to help. So yes, I have the small Marmont shoulder bag and it’s the absolute perfect size. I always have a book and then my keys and money and a lip balm or hand gel in it, and I’ll still have some room left for small bits. To be very honest, I got this bag when it was at the height of its Instagram fame, and that was definitely a big factor in even discovering it in the first place, but I do also really love it and I don’t see myself ever getting bored of it. It’s been two years and me and the double G are still in our honeymoon phase! I love how it looks and the quality means I’ll have it for decades as long as I take proper care of it. That’s what makes it so worth the price tag for me — because it’s a classic silhouette (but still fun!), it can’t really go out of fashion (not that I care much about trends anyway).

When investing in a bag like this, obviously you should know your budget, but I think it’s also really important to think about whether you would see yourself still wearing it in 10 years. Does that thought spark joy, so to speak? I personally am so happy I got this particular bag (though it doesn’t stop me from eyeing up those YSL beauties!!!). Re: the flap, I’ve never had an issue with it. It’s pretty convenient and easy to use, and definitely very secure. I guess you do need two hands to open and close it, if that’s something you’re worried about. As for the showiness, that’s definitely a big consideration. I quite like the attention, if you must know, but you do have to feel comfortable with that. If you think you might not use a bag that’s this loud, then you should think about a similar model that’s more discreet. Prada is a good one for that, if we’re staying in the designer realm. Hope this helps! Let me know if you need anything else, lovely.

-Iris

Was this helpful?

Post-Grad Life: How Do I Find Meaning?

February 17, 2020 by Iris Goldsztajn in Purpose, Lifestyle

I'm looking to find some more meaning in my life... throughout school we always had a billion things we were involved with to funnel our energy into but now it's mostly we work and then we go out... I want to get involved with something sort of “extracurricular” but I don't know what or really how to go about finding something. Any advice?

-Lolly

I’ve been thinking about this one, Lolly, and here’s what I got. In school and university especially, we get used to general “busyness” and for me that’s the root of your problem. It’s just the nature of life that there are peaks and valleys, lulls and upheavals. So before I make suggestions for how to find a hobby that suits you, I’m going to tell you what you don’t want to hear: in order to find more meaning, you’re going to have to do the dirty work. Get real comfortable with yourself. Start with introspection, start with spending time with yourself. That can look a lot of different ways: it might be through meditation (yes, this is my solution to everything), through reading books or going for walks in the park, but it comes down to finding a way to be at peace with not being constantly bombarded with stimuli. That’s the first step. Busyness doesn’t equal fulfilment; it’s just something that keeps us from having to think about what gives our life meaning.

Now once you’ve got down to this business of “being” rather than nonstop “doing,” you can start adding on. Like, if you were a computer, you would have to make sure your software was up to date and maybe do a virus scan before you started downloading loads of apps, ya know what I mean? So, OK, once your software is all up and running, now you’ve got space for all those extracurriculars. Finding an activity that suits you might also start with some introspection: what do you enjoy doing? What did you always wish you had time to do when you were super busy in school? If you have absolutely no idea, you could look to your friends, see what they do in their free time and ask if you can join them at their next salsa class, or their life drawing workshop.

“Busyness doesn’t equal fulfilment.”

When you have a vague idea of what you might like to do, it’s time to get browsing. Meetup has thousands and thousands of groups that meet to partake in every activity under the sun, and I cannot recommend it enough. Eventbrite lists events in your area by category, as does Facebook. Or, as I’m sure you could figure out for yourself, you could just have a good old-fashioned google. “Bird watching near me.” “Book club Brooklyn.” You get the picture.

Another fairly infallible way to find meaning is to volunteer your time for a cause that you care about. If you’re in the UK, you can try this website to find an org that speaks to you, or again try googling. Helping others gives you purpose, and if there’s an issue out there that really gets you riled up, it can feel good to chip away at it in whatever small way you can.

If you’re maybe not feeling something so social, there are plenty of hobbies you could pick up from the comfort of your own home: start a blog, teach yourself something on YouTube, learn a new skill on Skillshare, LinkedIn or Duolingo. Ultimately, it’s going to be about trying a bunch of stuff — some of it will stick, and some of it won’t, but to speak in cliché upon cliché, you won’t know until you try. Hope this helps, babe. If you need anything else, you know where to find me.

-Iris

Was this helpful?

Why Do I Get Up in The Morning?

January 26, 2020 by Iris Goldsztajn in Purpose, Lifestyle

Can you help me figure out what the fuck is going on? So, love and religion are not two things that give meaning to my life. The first being a big disappointment and the latter... well, just not my cup of tea. So, then what? I don't particularly like my job, I've never really liked any work experience I've had. I get bored very easily and seem to be constantly dissatisfied. I don't like our system (it sucks, the same people get the short straw systematically, and the same old who get that good end of the stick use it to beat the others with). Money manages us all, buy buy buy make more make more make more spend it. Quality? Meh, quantity has taken over. Climate? Complete disaster. Human relations? Under pressure from changes in society, leave self-doubt, distrust and all of that right there in the centre of everything. So what am I doing? Why do I get up every morning? Food, maybe, sleep maybe, sex? Not really getting much of that. Good books? Yes but I don't have time for that. Because I need money. To eat. To have a bed and a roof over my head. To sleep. Is this depression, realism, cynicism, do I need professional help or should I just shut up and stop whining?

-Ice Queen

Dear Ice Queen,

First of all, I want to say I’m very sorry that this is happening to you. That sounds extremely overwhelming and confusing, and I sincerely hope that you can find a way out of it soon. Before I start, I want to emphasise that I am not a professional in any capacity and that all the advice I give you is purely my opinion based off of my experience. With that in mind, if you’re able to consult a trained professional, I would highly encourage you to do so. If you’re not in a place where you can do that for any reason, I also want to make you aware of Samaritans in the UK, a wonderful organisation, which you can contact for free by phone, email, post or in person to talk about anything you’re going through. If you’re in the US, you can try NAMI.

In the meantime, here’s what comes to mind when I read your letter. If you’re not getting enough sleep — for me, that’s the first place to look. Insufficient sleep has been linked to mood swings, worsened creativity and decision-making, anxiety, depression, as well as a number of physical conditions. That means you’re not as well equipped to deal with the difficulties that life throws at you in your waking life. According to Healthline, some ways to improve your sleep include limiting the time you spend on screens, especially in the evening, not eating too close to bedtime, and sleeping and waking at the same time every day. Try reading a soothing book, like self-help, romance or even a children’s book, or meditating before bed.

“You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

I know everyone and their mother has already told you to start meditating regularly, but sometimes things are popular for a reason. Meditation helps with stress and anxiety, and can also help improve sleep and control pain. When I meditate, I notice my heart rate slowing down, and I’m better able to take a step back from the things I’ve convinced myself I need to do, or the things I’ve convinced myself I need to think. It helps me find perspective on my life and sometimes even generates very tiny epiphanies. It helps me accept the things I cannot change, many of which are precisely what is currently distressing you. I’ll circle back to this.

To start meditating, just type “meditation” on YouTube and choose a guided one that makes sense to you. Alternatively, you can do it right now before you read the rest of my letter: find a seat in a comfortable position, whether that’s on a chair, a bed or on the floor. Close your eyes. You can set an intention at this point — that’s something you want to work on, the reason you’re meditating, or even just a word (like “peace” or “calm” or “acceptance”) that resonates with you — but you don’t have to if you don’t feel comfortable with it. Now breathe normally, concentrating on your breath. In, out, in, out. That’s it. Just sit and concentrate on your breathing for as long as you need to. Your mind will begin to wander — that’s completely normal, so don’t judge yourself for it, don’t judge your thoughts, just notice them and let them wash over you. When your consciousness notices that your mind has drifted, slowly, gently bring it back to your breath. Believe me, it’s powerful.

Now moving onto the things in your life that are making you feel dissatisfied. Unfortunately, there are many things in the world that we cannot possibly change — especially other people’s actions and attitudes — and believing we can might harm us more than it remedies any problems. It sounds like capitalism, climate change and social issues are all things that are impacting your wellbeing. You’re not alone in any of that. All over the internet, people are talking about the many, many ways in which the world we live in — as well as societal norms, unfit governments, the threat of extinction, and fascism, white supremacy, rampant poverty, homophobia, transphobia — is harming them, their families and their communities. I’m absolutely not saying you should sit back and do nothing, but I do need you to consider this: you can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to understand that you matter, that your wellbeing matters, and you have to give yourself permission to take care of you. That’s your number one priority. Then, once you’re in a better place, you can begin to chip away at the issues that bother or anger you: volunteer with Extinction Rebellion, join a political party that aligns with your values, or research an organisation that makes you want to get involved.

“You just have to trust your process and be honest with yourself.”

As for finding meaning, I will say that this is (and should be) a consistent pursuit throughout your life. None of us know why we were put on this Earth, which is why we seek out answers from love, or religion, or any other belief system that makes our ride that little bit easier. For me, you have to combine the understanding that meaning is fickle, never fixed, with the incorporation of things that are worth waking up for into your life. There is no right answer, there are just things you can try. For now, that can be just a hobby — you know, basket-weaving, postmodernist painting, vegan cooking, whatever stirs the fire in your loins. Eventually, once you’ve spent time learning to know yourself, you might have a clearer picture of the kind of work you’d like to do, and how you’d like to go about it. You might try something else and hate it, but you just have to trust your process and be honest with yourself. You can’t control the outcome of any situation, but you can believe in yourself enough to take risks and make your mark on the world in your very unique, valuable way.

A great way to explore your interests is to join some groups on Meetup. There are thousands and thousands of groups around the world, and there is something for every niche interest you could possibly imagine. Being surrounded by people who share your passions, or concerns, can be life-changing. If these people can mirror your worth back to you, even bloody better. Your sense of worth should come from within, but having the support you need as you learn how to live with yourself is crucial.

In conclusion, Ice Queen (which, by the way, doesn’t suit you at all), no, you should not stop whining. Expressing your emotions is not whining. “Sucking it up” is a harmful behaviour and anyone who tells you to does not have your best interest at heart. As for why you wake up in the morning, that’s not for me to tell you, but you can tell yourself. You hold all the answers within you, if you have the courage and patience and trust to look. Get to know yourself, and everything else will align. Take care, my darling, and if you have any more questions, you know where to find me.

-Iris

Was this helpful?