How Do You Decide What to Do With Your Life?
Do As I Say, Not As I Do is an advice column designed to help you navigate any situation in life that you’re dealing with, and hopefully help others who find themselves in a similar situation. All advice is purely opinion based on my experience, and I am in no capacity a trained professional. If you’re struggling with your mental health, please seek out professional help, and reach out to Samaritans in the UK, or NAMI in the US. To ask me a question, fill out the form here.
Dear Iris,
I'm feeling a little conflicted.
I am currently a graduate student (about to obtain my master's degree) and I don't know where to go from here. I've been accepted to a few Ph.D. programs in my field and I'm somewhat excited about the possibility of continuing my studies, but I'm not sure if that's what I want.
At first, a Ph.D. was something I hesitantly applied for, but once the pandemic hit I sort of resolved myself to continuing my education. I've never loved academia; it's always given me immense anxiety, but I'm more afraid of not finding anything to do post-grad than I am of the anxiety. As I was finalizing my decision to obtain a Ph.D., I set a meeting with my advisor and she told me to really think on this. I don't want an academic job and if a Ph.D. isn't going to help my job prospects, there isn't really a point in going after it. If I had it my way, I would write and do creative things for a living. I know that I love to write and take photos and experiment with different creative mediums and such. I've networked with journalists and freelancers and taken different internships and I love it. And yet, I can't bring myself to fully go after it. I guess I'm scared of what could happen if I do. On the one hand, I'm only 22. I have so much to learn and so little to lose. I don't have a mortgage or debt or kids to take care of. But on the other hand, I'm conflicted about this opportunity to pursue a Ph.D. I don't know what to do. How do you decide what to do with your life? How do you even get started with a creative career? How do you know what the right choice is?
-Kinda Conflicted
Dear Kinda Conflicted,
I’m going to start you off with a quote, because that’s the kind of insufferable person I am. It’s a win-win, though, because it could very well help you reframe your mindset, and it makes me seem incredibly smart and well-read in the same instance. You see? Win-win.
It’s from Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Big Magic, which explores “creative living beyond fear” and would make great homework for you — though perhaps that’s the wrong approach to offer someone who has “never loved academia.” Anyway, here it is. Gilbert explains that she spent her childhood deathly afraid of everything around her, the dark, board games, stairs, you name it. Then she woke up one day and realised that her fear was actually quite stupid. It was the most boring thing about her.
She writes:
Around the age of fifteen, I somehow figured out that my fear had no variety to it, no depth, no substance, no texture. I noticed that my fear never changed, never delighted, never offered a surprise twist, or an unexpected ending. My fear was a song with only one note — only one word, actually — and that word was “STOP!” My fear never had anything more interesting or subtle to offer than one emphatic word, repeated at full volume on an endless loop: “STOP, STOP, STOP, STOP!”
Which means that my fear always made predictably boring decisions, like a choose-your-own-ending book that always had the same ending: nothingness.
You are 22, Kinda Conflicted. I beg you: don’t let fear govern your life. I know it sounds harsh and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but following your fear will only lead you to nothingness. You might enjoy great success in academia, or whatever else you deem a “safe” option at the time, but that doesn’t change that you’ll wake up in a week, a month, a year, at forty, or fifty, or sixty, and not know who you are. You’ll ask yourself why you made the decisions that you made when you were young, and you’ll attempt to fill the void with distractions, with cynicism, with Tough Mudders, alcohol, Louboutins, a sports car.
Now, I know that my response is late, and you may have already accepted a place on a Ph.D. programme by the time you read this. That’s perfectly OK. It’s not over. You have so many options — don’t let the everyday busy-ness make you think that you don’t. You always have a choice. You can pursue your Ph.D. while making other things happen for yourself as well, things that drive you, in your spare time, while you have no dependents or major other obligations. You can do a year’s worth of research or whatever it is one does to earn a Ph.D. then decide to pivot (PIVOT!) to something completely different. You can drop out now. Whatever happens, don’t believe that you’re stuck, because you’re not. You’re in the driver’s seat (this coming from someone who can’t drive, but I hope you’ll let that slide).
You say you’re more afraid of not finding something to do post-grad than you are of anxiety. Do you hear how that sounds, repeated back to you? It sounds like you’re putting money and security above your wellbeing — from where I stand, that’s a recipe for disaster. I don’t know your circumstances, and obviously making a living is a huge consideration. I will venture this, though: doctorates are expensive, aren’t they? Perhaps you’ll be paid for research work, but I will still assume that if you’re able to go to school for that long, you have some amount of financial backing behind you. You also don’t have debt, a mortgage or kids.
My question to you then is this: what would happen if for a few months you weren’t earning at all (which, for all I know, you might not be during your studies anyway)? Could you stay with family during that time? On a friend’s couch? Could you get a service job and a cheap bedroom somewhere? If your answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then why do something you don’t love? It’s not like you’ve chosen an easy path that you don’t love, either — by my understanding, doctorates require a hell of a lot of work and motivation, and I don’t think you earn that much as a professor or researcher, either. You did mention you might be a bit excited to continue your studies, so if on reflection, that path feels right for you, then by all means. Just make sure to follow the excitement, not the fear. Obviously, career prospects seem like a central preoccupation for you, so if you don’t enjoy the Ph.D. work and you don’t want a job in academia, then why waste these precious years of your life? As your advisor said, you need to really think on this. And continue thinking on it, forever. Every morning, ask yourself honestly: am I on the best path for me?
If you decide that continuing your studies is the wrong path for you, and you can afford to not earn while you figure everything out for a bit, I want to encourage you to let go of your fear and pursue what is actually for you. I do want to repeat, however, that you can pursue these things on the side even if you do carry on with school. Because what does “if I had my way” mean, Kinda Conflicted? You do have your way. You have the choice to do the work it takes to write and do creative things for a living. The only thing stopping you is fear, and the only way to neutralise fear is to do the thing you’re afraid to do (*cough* like getting your driver’s license *cough*).
Start small. Carve out an hour a day to use your creativity without fear. See where it leads, explore it, trust in it. You can try writing Morning Pages as a way to unblock your creativity, or carry a camera around with you in case you spot something that sparks inspiration. You can pitch one article to one editor — it doesn’t have to be a full-time job, but every little thing you do adds up and could turn into a full-time job, if that’s what you want. If you’re not sure how to go about pitching, please email me at irisgoldsztajn@gmail.com and I’ll send over some slides I made that cover the basics.
Do some soul-searching. What are you really afraid of? Is it rejection? Failure? Then let me tell you right now: when you pursue your passions, you will encounter more than your fair share of those things. They will hurt and will do their best to knock you down, but you just have to keep trying every. damn. time. It’s the old cliché of The Beatles being rejected by a major record label, and a flurry of household names not making it until later in life. There is no success without rejection and failure. It’s what you do with those experiences that matters. Some more homework for you: this TED talk and this podcast.
As for how you know what the right choice is for your life: GIRLIE, you don’t. Something might work for you one day, and stop working the next. Your dream job might not be such a dream after all. Here’s the thing, though, you won’t know until you try. And you always have options. That’s all you need to know right now.
-Iris
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